The Mount Stuart

Landsea House, Stuart Place, Cardiff Bay [map]

Look at that - it's not so much just another branch of Wetherspoon as a Zaha Hadid-inspired monument to the joys of daytime drinking.

Fairly hectic at the bar but there are plenty of people serving and we secure our delicious pints of fizzy lager with a minimum of faff. Good old 'Spoons.

While most Wether-outlets are simply big square rooms with horrible carpet and some tables randomly plonked around the place, this looks as if someone's actually thought about what they're doing.

The upstairs bar is dominated by a fleet of low-flying drones that vaporise anyone who's looking the worse for wear. The Photographer begins to look very alarmed indeed.

We escape to the balcony. This chap is clearly pleased to see that we've made it out alive.

It's almost like a staged PR shot this of people engaged in responsible al fresco drinking - there's nary a single person vomiting into a hedge in sight. Well, The Photographer notwithstanding.

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The Waterguard

Harbour Drive, Cardiff Bay [map]

Back down the Bay then, this time for a visit to the curious environs of The Waterguard, with its Victorian frontage and contemporary, concrete-and-glass, erm, backage.

It's Cardiff's only pub operated by the Samuel Smith Old Brewery, which means there's none of your Foster's, Heineken or other reassuringly familiar thirst-quenchers on tap. Instead it's all Double Four and Taddy Lager, which tends to throw people a bit when they enter a Sam Smith's for the first time.

Still, the good news is that their assorted beers are pretty inexpensive (Double Four weighs in at £2.74 a pint). The bad news is that they are prone to sucker-punching you with the most horrendous hangovers.

Everything's very spick and span (notwithstanding the smell of vomit on the way in - someone had clearly been going for it the night before). Unfortunately, it's got all the ambience of a dentist's waiting room.

It's sometimes difficult to work out what The Photographer's motives are when he provides shots such as this, knowing full well that I then have to attempt to craft an engaging caption for it. Frankly, "Two-seater sofa adjacent to table with some leaflets on," just isn't going to cut it, is it?

Anyway, moving on, here's the outside area round the back, replete with 'artfully' positioned pint glass. This is basically the whole raison d'être of the place - if the weather's good, you can buy a cheap pint and then go and drink it on the grass outside. Lovely.

Our book, A Drinker's Guide to Cardiff, is out now, priced just £2.99. Click here to look inside and to order a copy

Salt

Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay [map]


You may not be able to read it in this photo but the subtitle of Salt (as if a bar needs a subtitle) is, "The essential ingredient."

It's the sort of meaningless, twee nonsense that makes you want to scoop your own eyes out with a rusty tin. Still, we continued inside, eyeballs intact. We are, after all, professionals.


Good to see the 45 prominently positioned. Not quite sure whether that's a selection of savoury nuts or breakfast cereals behind the bar. Frankly, we don't want to find out.


The view of the ground floor from bar right. Not very happy about the seating arrangements. Choose from a tiny table for two or that lengthy sofa by the stairs, on which you're forced to sit bolt upright.

And all that wasted space. The whole thing's a beige-tinged shambles.


In amongst the banister, there's a second, smaller bar upstairs, along with further uncomfortable seating.

We're just not sure what Salt is for. Given the glut of bars around here, one thing it's not is the essential ingredient - whatever the signage may boast.

The Packet

96 Bute Street, Cardiff Bay [map]


It's a pub's pub, this: a wilfully shabby throwback to a pre-gentrified Tiger Bay. As such, we've never seen a less appropriate use of fairy lights.


Difficult to know where to start with this photo, really. There's the lesser spotted pint pot. There's that jar of pickled eggs (retro pub food excelsis). There's even one of those old fashioned brass hooters perched to the left of the spirits.

But it's the lampshades that we're really drawn to. You just don't get tassel-based light adornments like that in All Bar One.


Another view of the bar and, more importantly, those lampshades.


While everyone's watching sport on the big screens around the bar, this little lounge area affords a more relaxed vibe. Well, as relaxed a vibe as it's possible to have in the company of that carpet.

One

Wales Millennium Centre, Cardiff Bay [map]


One. It's the sort of bland, meaningless name that self-consciously hip bars seem to go for these days, isn't it?

It's in the lobby of the Millennium Centre so, if you fancy (or, indeed, need) a pint before engaging in a bit of culture, this'll do the trick.


But it's no place for a proper booze-up. There are more types of coffee on offer than there is beer.

On tap, there's just Stella and Heineken, which weighs in at a hefty £3.50 a pint. Prices like that are enough to drive anyone to drink.


As this artfully shot photograph demonstrates, there's also an extensive menu. Of course, the good thing about downing beer is that it's both a drink and a meal.


The glass walls mean you get a good view of the Roald Dahl Plass, under which Torchwood monitors alien activity.

You'll often see John Barrowman popping in here for a quick pint, in between battling hostile Martians. (I may have just made that up.)


But, ultimately, it just feels like a posh waiting room.

Eli Jenkins

7-8 Bute Crescent, Cardiff Bay [map]


The giveaway is that PVC banner on the left advertising breakfasts. Eli Jenkins may be named after a character in Dylan Thomas's Under Milk Wood but it aspires to being nothing more than an imitation Wetherspoon.


You can't really grumble at the bar prices though. At £1.69 a pint, we're even prepared to drink Carlsberg. Two pints for under £3.50 - tonight we're going to party like it's 1989.


Judging by this photo, you might think that patrons take little joy in drinking here, that it's something to be endured with grim determination.


But they were probably just biding their time until this bloke came bursting through the front door - a busker with the largest accordion we've ever seen. Just look at the size of it: he can barely lift the thing.

Now imagine the cacophony it's capable of producing. No wonder those blokes at the bar had an air of apprehension about them.


In between the discount pints and the startling musical entertainment, Eli Jenkins is fairly orthodox.

But it neatly bridges the gap between the new and old Bay and, despite its Wetherspoon Lite stylings, maintains a peculiar character all of its own.

Terra Nova

Mermaid Quay, Cardiff Bay [map]


This is slap in the middle of the snazziest bit of the very-snazzy-indeed end of Cardiff Bay. So there's a lot of snazz around here. Not only is Terra Nova shipshape, it's also ship-shaped.


The usual array of local beer and generic lager is on tap, along with the slightly pretentious addition of Peroni - more usually seen accompanying Sloppy Giuseppes in Pizza Express. Service is agreeably swift.


The focus is as much on eating as it is on imbibing pints (there's also a separate restaurant area upstairs).

It's the decor, not the menu, that intrigues us though: where else in Cardiff can you see such a distinctive blend of old fashioned public house and Arabian harem?