Varsity

199-201 Richmond Road, Roath [map]

It's taken us a while to get round to doing this branch of Varsity. Probably because each time we're about to go in, we're sidetracked by either the dance studio above or the Indian restaurant to the left.

Or both, as happened on one particularly memorable day last autumn. Suffice to say, don't ever attempt to perform an extended Louie Spence-inspired routine having just consumed a tandoori mixed grill.

Tempting as the offer of a full English breakfast for £1.99 sounds, it's a price point that does force you to consider the provenance of cut-price sausages - a thought process that is, frankly, best avoided. We play it safe and stick with the booze.

My notes for Varsity read, in their entirety, "Cheap. Students."

But we like the place - there's a sprightly atmosphere and, if you're on the batter, the fact of Brains coming at £1.79 a pint is (quite literally) staggering news. Five-and-a-half pints for under a tenner!

We figure at those prices, we might as well go for it and order 22 pints of the stuff.

Some time later, The Photographer - arrows fan that he is - decides that he really fancies a round of killer.

Fortunately, a vigilant member of staff sees him lurching across the room towards the gaming area and promptly confiscates the darts, fearing that the contest's name may prove to be all too accurate.

Handily, they've built a special bar for the exclusive use of patrons who are so hammered they are unable to remain upright. Which may or may not have come in handy for The Photographer - I couldn't possibly comment.

The Andrew Buchan

29 Albany Road, Roath [map]

We know what you're thinking. "That is one weird pub. It almost looks as if it used to be a video rental store or something." And you'd be right. It is a weird pub and it used to be a video rental store (Choices, to be precise).

It's operated by Rhymney Brewery - this is the firm's first hostelry in Cardiff. So, in addition to your Strongbows and Carlsbergs, you've got the well-priced delights (£2.45 a pint till 5pm) of the baldly-named Rhymney Bitter, Rhymney Dark, Rhymney Export et al.

Although whether transporting something from Blaenavon to Roath really constitutes 'export' remains to be seen.

There's something about the place that makes it feel like a set, as if the walls might start wobbling at any moment. It's like a display at The Ideal Pub Exhibition, suggests The Photographer, in a rare moment of clarity.

Possibly the most melancholic photo we've ever posted.

When the gaff first opened, if you sat at one of the high tables in the window, it was like being in a boozy goldfish bowl - albeit one with an excellent view of Albany Appliances over the road.

They've since added some frosting to the windows though (see outside shot, top) to make the whole experience marginally less odd.

Frosting or otherwise, this fella's still keeping a close eye on proceedings.

Wouldn't it be great if they fed the chimney from that wood-burner into the back of its head in order to pump smoke out its mouth? Now that would draw punters in, surely: "Come and enjoy a pint while marvelling at Albany Road's famous smoke-belching moose!"

Talking of smoke belching, this is the smoking area. I am actually lost for words.

Pear Tree

The Globe Centre, Wellfield Road, Roath [map]


It's difficult to tell if Pear Tree (the lack of definite article just sounds wrong, doesn't it?) is sinking into the ground or whether this is just a slightly wonky photo. Although you can probably work it out.

Either way, who ever knew there were quite so many different shades of beige?

A bit of history for you: this used to be a Bar Billabong and, long before that, a cinema - The Photographer saw Return of the Jedi here.


Lots of admin going on at the bar. This bloke is on the phone and he's got a pen tucked behind his ear. He couldn't look any busier if he tried.

Well, actually, he could try serving us as well. That would be good.


Hilariously, we opt some sort of cherry beer concoction by the name of Liefmans. Less hilariously, it weighs in at a staggering £4.50 a pint.

Come the next round we're back on the session lager.


From this vantage point, the bar area almost looks like a shot from some sort of Cardiff Tourist Information brochure, in which everyone has perpetually fixed grins and is enjoying alcohol in a responsible fashion and definitely won't get really pissed, fall into a bush and then throw up on the way home.


Imagine going to a bar and either (1) wanting to play a board game or (2) being impressed by a very old sewing machine.

Seriously, is this a drinking hole or a playgroup for precocious four-year-olds?


We amble upstairs, where it's all very tasteful. Although you cannot help but feel that the whole thing is a slightly less successful take on Juno Lounge down the road.


We are able to confirm that this lamp is definitely working. So that's great news.


Oooh, arty.

The Crofts

Croft Street, Roath [map]


That's a good solid building right there.

Well, apart from the fact that it had to be rebuilt after it was bombed during the second world war. But, aside from that, it really is very solid.


Not a huge selection of beers but, on the bright side, they do have an extensive array of crisps and nuts, along with a full complement of fire extinguishers. Which is always reassuring.


It's looking a bit tired at the moment - even Alex Ferguson appears to be knackered.

But it's in the process of being refurbished, so we're expecting the addition of some much-needed snazz in the coming months.


It's difficult to know what to make of this photo.

There's a dog sitting in a plastic delivery tray, a parrot's cage blocking the door, a couple of sofas half-heartedly swathed in maroon throws, some wholly incongruous party decorations, and a blackboard that reads, "Political correctness prohibited in this place. Twat."

All very confusing.


The Photographer's uncle Joe Mitchell, a one-time regular, has a plaque over the bar. It's what we all aspire to, isn't it?


It's a deceptively sizeable place: round the back is this lounge bar, a skittle alley and a beer garden.


Although the beer garden more closely resembles a timber yard at the moment.


On the way out, we learn that the parrot - which is called Crofty - can say only two words: "Fuck off."

The Claude

140 Albany Road, Roath [map]


Now this is an enormo-plex of a watering hole if ever there was one.


Yet another place that has TVs behind the bar. Is that a thing now?

Note also Welsh flags hanging from ceiling (presumably in case you guzzle so much ale that you forget which country you're in) and charity collection box next to till for the National Institute for the Care of Alcoholic Dogs (Roath branch).


A baffling array of seating options - you can't really see it here but the tables actually stretch off into the distance for another half-mile or so.

Indeed, when your decision-making faculties are already impaired by the fact of being in the grip of serious session of daytime boozing, it's simply too much choice.


Panicking, we escape through a side door and are thrust into this curious outside area, which houses what looks like a particularly sumptuous cattle shed.


It's never-ending this place. We eventually saunter back indoors and, after yomping for a further 20 minutes, come across this pantheon of pool tables.

We'd have a game but, frankly, we're too knackered after all that walking.

Juno Lounge

14 Wellfield Road, Roath [map]


Whatever word you stick before bar - cafe, sports or, heaven forbid, wine - it always makes it sound less appealing. Especially if, as we perpetually are, you're just after a pint.

But there's always an exception to a rule and, in Juno Lounge, we may well have found it.


For starters, they serve the very pleasant Catalan pilsner Estrella.

Although this does lead us on to a lengthy conversation about the chances of getting mugged while wandering, pissed, along La Rambla in Barcelona (high), and the best course of action should this unfortunate occurrence take place (ensure that you're accompanied by a large professional wrestler who is perfectly happy to punch the assailant upside the head on your behalf).


Bar staff in action.

It's been a while since we've stumbled upon some decent light fittings in a Cardiff drinkery but Juno Lounge more than compensates with its preposterous chandelier/brown tasselled lampshade hybrids.

You don't get those in Ikea.


The downstairs bit. Imagine if that blackboard accidentally fell off the wall and hit someone on the head. It'd definitely kill them.

Something to bear in mind next time you're here and wondering where to sit.


Similar stuff going on upstairs, just with added staring bloke.


There's something a bit discombobulating about a wall full of mismatched mirrors (especially if you've just consumed eight pints of lager).


The roof terrace is made only slightly less appealing by the fact that it attracts the type of bloke (far left) who thinks it's OK to go out in public clad in a white vest and a trilby.

The Albany

105 Donald Street, Roath [map]


Now that's what a pub should look like, isn't it?


We could live without the lava lamp but, otherwise, this has everything you want from a bar: a selection of cold lagers, some freshly polished brass (er, that sounds odder than it's meant to), a few bags of peanuts, and an emetic line-up of garishly coloured concoctions on the top shelf.


"Buy 9 pints get 1 free," reads the sign. In the circumstances, it seems like the sensible thing to do.

Admittedly, buying one-and-a-quarter gallons of beer at a time is rather excessive. But, hey, we're thirsty.


The place is decorated in pretty much every shade of brown you'd expect to find in a Pantone colour chart. As, indeed, all proper boozers should be.


Through a corridor to the lounge, where there's some serious telly watching going on.

You've rarely seen a group of blokes so rapt in the EastEnders omnibus.


Amazingly, The Albany's beer garden does actually constitute being referred to as a garden. You can't beat a nice bit of foliage with your pint.


In contrast, the smokers' area is somewhat less inviting.


We definitely didn't spend our time here sitting in front of this sign without even realising it, and anyone who says we did is lying.

The Ernest Willows

2-12 City Road, Roath [map]


It'd been a long day of boozing by the time we staggered into The Ernest Willows.

Despite the fact that it looks as if it's been directly transposed from the gloom-laden concrete vista of Slough that constitutes the opening credits of The Office, at times there's just something reassuring about a Wetherspoon.

You do, after all, know exactly what you're going to get.


Gleaming pumps primed to dispense cut-price lager have never stood so tall and proud.


Ah yes, the trademark Wetherspoon ambience we all know and love.

It's like being stuck in the departure lounge of a provincial airport at 4am, only without the promise of a week in the sun at the end of it.


Oh. The Photographer appears to have fallen off his stool. But, pro that he is, he's carried on shooting regardless.

Fortunately, no one seems to have noticed.